Hi everyone,

This is the tulpa interview that was taken out of the normal rotation. The reason why is that Jeanette, true to her usual self, essentially trolled me during said interview. The tags NSFW and NSFL are definitely warranted here. The warning of “you’re being fucking trolled, stop letting her piss you off” tag is also applicable. Why? Because she made damn well sure that all her answers would piss me off, and you as well.

So, don’t take anything she says personally, just know that she’s a fucking cunt and that this will be the last time I involve her in anything like this. I originally wanted to scrap the entire interview, but in the interest of being as fair as I can as a host, I’m going to publish it only on this blog. You have been warned.

The interview

Throughout this interviewing process, one of the things constantly nagging at me was the thought of what to do when suggesting the interview to Jeanette. The reason as many of you already know, is that she’s a completely selfish asshole who never helps anyone unless it benefits herself. But what to offer someone like her? A ravenous panther-like cat that loves stalking prey in an unforgiving macrocosm where there are entire space stations overrun with hideous creatures.

Long story short: She now has a place to store her kills, a giant freezer of sorts. Those of you remembering the old days will know the freezer dimension inhabited by strange snowmen. Yep, I gave her an enclave there with the expressed promise from her that she wouldn’t fuck around with the locals. And, I’ve also informed the locals not to fuck around with her, lest they want to be eaten, or worse.

So, as I’d not want to be in a dark, dank, abandoned space station, we instead chose the [castle kitchen] where I’d interviewed Steve and Bear before. Since she (predictably) showed up in her feline form, I spawned a big raw ostrich egg. When she saw it, she grinned and quickly got to work eating it, with loud messy slurping noises as she growled to herself in contentment.

I sat down on the opposite side of the table and got myself a cup of tea that I sipped. We stayed that way for a while until she’d had about half the egg’s contents.

She looked at me and said, “so are you going to ask your fucking questions already?”

I smiled, “sure, I was just going to let you finish that first, but yeah, let’s start; What’s the first thing you remember as a tulpa?”

She licked the area around her mouth a bit, “being trapped in that fucking storage device for pets in that game you played back then. I was pissed at you for putting me in there. I’ll never fucking forgive you for that, you fuck.” Then she dove back down into the egg for another mouthful of it.

(Editor’s note: Jeanette was originally a joke character I created in a game called Warframe as one of the pets there. I did some roleplaying with her, mostly off-color jokes about how she was a raging asshole cat and one day, I guess my subconscious decided she was far enough gone and animated her as a tulpa.)

“So what was your first impression of everyone?”

She swallowed and again licked her lips and fur around her mouth, “that you were all fucking idiots, especially Steve, who tried to steal my food. She should feel lucky I didn’t kill her on the spot when I found her doing that.”

“No, instead you made her your servant for a few weeks until I discovered what you’d been up to.”

Jeanette grinned, “she was real good too, brought me breakfast, dinner, and everything.”

I returned her grin, “do you want to talk about what happened when you tried that shit with Eugene? He gave you quite the surprise didn’t he?”

(Editor’s note: Eugene is a character who is still straddling the rift between being a simple NPC and being a tulpa. He usually looks like a big sulfur-crested cockatoo, but he’s demonstrated the ability to change his shape a lot. Needless to say, he’s not as harmless as he looks.)

Jeanette growled and stared at me, “yeah, I didn’t expect that. But I’m not talking about that.”

My grin widened, “why? He messed you up that bad hmm?”

“Fuck you Fairy, go fuck yourself and take a big shotgun and blow the brains out of that dumb fucking bird while you’re at it!” She screamed as she jumped off the chair and started heading for the door.

“You can certainly leave now, but then the deal’s off. I told you there’d be personal questions. If you don’t want to answer, that’s fine.” I said with a placating voice, knowing her greed was her true weak point.

She hesitated at the door, then turned back with her face twisted in anger. Staring at me silently.

“So what’s it going to be? Interview and get your own, very personal and very infinite freezer, or be pissy and get nothing?” I imagine that my face had the biggest “fuck you” grin plastered over it at this point.

Growling under her breath, she slowly got back to the chair and jumped on it again.

“OK, so some less personal questions then, what’s your favorite color?”

“Red, the more, the merrier,” Jeanette said curtly.

“And what’s your what’s your favorite food/drink?”

She lapped at the surface of the raw egg in front of her, “this isn’t half bad. But you know me. If I catch and I kill it, I eat it too, most of the time.”

I nodded, “so, no favorite thing to drink? Coffee? Tea? Booze?”

“You know, one of the things I miss from my time in City 08 was the bars, they always had funny versions of booze. And, usually being my human self, I got all the drinks I wanted for free.”

(Editor’s note: Jeanette has a human form, that she uses rarely these days, but it is very attractive, to say the least. One guess as to how she got free drinks.)

“What do you do for fun?”

Jeanette grinned and finished another mouthful of the egg, “I love fucking with people, you know that. And hunting shit never gets old either.”

“Do you ever do something for relaxation?”

She shrugged, “I sleep.”

“So, ever had a formal job? Or a hobby?”

Jeanette sneered at me, “do I look like someone dumb enough to work? What I want, I take and fuck anyone who tries to tell me no. And hobbies? Like what? Collecting rocks?” And here she made a contemplative growling noise and grew silent for a bit, before she added, “I guess I could start collecting skulls now. Hey, can you get me a small kitchen in the freezer place you owe me?”

I smiled, “sure thing, but then you have to answer ALL the questions from now on. Deal?”

She nodded, “fine, if that’s what it takes. Besides, it’s just the people in your world that’s going to read this right?”

I nodded, “yes, I can seal it away from the inner world if you want.”

“Good, then only the idiots in your world will be the ones reading it.”

“That’s a strange thing to say about people who are interested in you.”

Jeanette rolled her eyes, “if they fucking want to waste their time reading about me, then they have to be stupid.”

I took another sip of tea before I launched into the more abstract questions, “If you could have anything you want, you know, unlimited wish, what would you want?”

Jeanette grinned, “to have your powers, then I’d fuck around with everyone everywhere as much as I wanted to.”

I sighed and looked at her.

She growled with anger, “what do you expect me to say? That I want peace on earth, freedom for all the fluffy bunnies? And that nobody ever gets their precious feeeeeelings hurt? Fuck all of that. What I wish for myself is everything I want, and power so I don’t have to deal with annoying fucks like you unless I want to.”

I nodded, “now see, that’s an honest answer. So, what’s your greatest fear?”

“That this fucking interview is going to go on forever,” she spat back at me.

I shook my head and tried to keep myself somewhat calm. Because I knew she was pushing my buttons to piss me off. Classic Jeanette attitude. I took a deep breath and continued, “what’s your most clearly defined positive memory?”

“Lately? That Xmas when we all saw that dumb fox Steve fall to her death. That was fucking awesome. That kept me laughing for days whenever I saw her being skittish around the floating islands. Almost made me want to push her over the edge for shits and giggles.”

“And you wonder why nobody likes you huh?” I said dryly.

She scoffed, “fuck no, I hate everyone just as much as they hate me. Fuck ’em.”

“What’s your most negative memory?”

“That shitty storage chamber where I woke up. I fucking hate small spaces.”

“What makes you like a person immediately?”

“If they shut the fuck up and do as I say.”

I nodded, it was a typical answer, “what makes you dislike a person immediately?”

Jeanette leaned forward toward me, “being a dumb, annoying fuck like you people are.”

I exhaled through my nose in amusement, “I know you’re trying to piss me off, it’s not going to work.”

She leaned back, her face in full dismay mode, “well fuck you, you’re no fun then. How many more of these stupid questions do you have left anyway?”

“Ten more, just bear with it, we’re almost done.”

(Editor’s note: I was pissed, but I was trying my best to not give her the satisfaction of letting her know that.)

She dove back into the egg, growling with joy as she lapped up more of its contents.

“Alright, here’s something to think about: what’s your take on the status of being a tulpa, and the whole phenomenon of tulpamancy?”

She took her time to lick her lips clean before she answered, “what kind of a dumb fucking question is that? Yeah, I’m in your fucked up head, so what? What’s to think about?”

I shrugged, “some tulpas find their status as constructs and their limitations to be something to think about.”

“Limitations? Like what? Oh wait, is this about the whole whiny shit about not being able to live in your dumb fucking world as my own special self? Boo-fucking-hoo. That shit makes me laugh like hell. Your world is fucking stupid Fairy, it’s filled with people like you who run around doing fuck all that’s fun and you all somehow are OK with playing nice. Meanwhile, people like me keep fucking you all over and you’re just taking it up the ass like little morons. Pathetic.”

“I guess that answers that then. What’s your take on tulpamancy as a practice?”

“It’s stupid, and a waste of time.”

“You do realize the hypocritical nature of that statement right?” I said, smirking at her.

She sneered again, “Of courseI’m the exception, but all this other shit you people make just make is just dumb. And another thing, [Long rant removed]“

(Editor’s note: The above statement has been censored by me because she honestly went into the realm of what I’d borderline consider hate speech. She was essentially taking a huge piss on the entirety of the tulpa community, while peppering it with slurs. While I want these interviews to be interesting, I don’t think letting her rant about shit like this is going to be entertaining or informative to anyone. )

I sat there in silence for a while after her long, hateful rant and I looked at her, just wondering how someone could get that fucking mean. Then I got up from my seat, “Right, I asked for a straight answer, but I’m not going to publish even half of that, because that’s just plain offensive. I’m going to take a five-minute break now before we get into the adult questions.”

Jeanette made a mock surprised face, “oooh the ADULT questions, maybe we should talk in baby talk so that we don’t OFFEND people… hahahah. Fairy, before you go… I just wanna say something.”

I turned back towards her, “what?”

She grinned with genuine happiness, “you’re a fucking pussy, I just thought you should know that.”

About ten minutes later, I felt like I’d cooled off enough and returned to the kitchen, where Jeanette had finished off her egg. I sat down and nodded towards her, “so, adult questions, you know the deal, intimate as fuck, no pressure to answer these unless you want to.”

“Fuck off with that trigger warning bullshit Fairy, ask your dumb questions and I’ll answer them.”

I nodded, “what’s your sexual orientation?”

“You already know that,” she replied with a superior grin on her face.

“Yes, but for the people out there that don’t fucking know that, PLEASE,” I said with a terse tone of voice.

“I like women, preferably ones that shut up and eat my pussy when I shove their mouth between my legs.”

I held up my hands in the air, “you know what? I don’t even fucking wanna know what your favorite sexual position or scenario is, so I’m skipping that.”

Jeanette grinned, “what? You don’t wanna hear about what me and Jane did? Or little cute Swaro? That bitch was up for almost anything. The shit I made her do -“

(Editor’s note: Jane is a fellow tulpa, and Swaro was an NPC from City 08.)

“We’re moving on, have you ever killed someone in the inner world?”

“Do hunts count, or do you want stories of people too?”

“Let’s go with people,” I said, wondering if it was going to bite me in the ass.

Jeanette chuckled, “In City 08, I’ve messed up tons of people, I’ve shot, stabbed, strangled, poisoned, dropped, and cemented people who wouldn’t play ball with me back then.”

(Editor’s note: Jeanette had a brief stint in City 08 when she was dating Jane, and when they broke up, she formed her own gang. The way Jane tells it, even she wasn’t going to get into the kind of stuff that Jeanette dealt in.)

“And I’m assuming you were enjoying that?”

“Yeah, it was all fun, I miss that shit sometimes, if you want the really gory details of when I skinned some guy, starting from the bottom, just let me know.”

At this point, I just sighed in exasperation and got up from my seat. “You know what Jeanette? I think we’re done here. You’ve definitely answered all my questions, and a deal is a deal. So yeah, we’re going to end it here, because I honestly can’t stand talking to you anymore.”

When I left the kitchen, I could still hear her sneering, mocking laugh echoing in my mind. Obviously, I took the rest of the day off from interviewing, because talking with Jeanette is emotionally draining as hell.

I know a lot of you have asked over the years why I keep putting up with her, why I haven’t put her in stasis or dissipated her. The long answer is that since I have tulpas of a lot of different types of morality, I’d be a hypocrite if I allowed one morality over the other.

Nobody ever said being a collective administrator would be easy, and this is simply one of those things that one has to accept as challenging.

But between you and me dear reader, fuck Jeanette.

As always, your scribe

Wondrous Fairy